If everything goes according to the schedule, I will launch on the Virgin Galactic in late 2010, which gives my mother plenty of time to worry in advance. When I told her about my plan, she responded, "That sounds very adventurous. I don't want to discourage you....but....you know, this is a new technology, you...could...explode. And die."

“That’s true, but it’s OK. If I explode and die, I’ll have nothing to worry about. If I explode and live, it would be a messy life to deal with.” I could tell by the silence that this was not as comforting to my mother as it is to me. “How about we have a last supper before I go?” I ask.

“Wonderful!”

My mother is an art historian, so I knew that a little pre-death Da Vinci-esque dinner would somehow make her feel a bit better about the whole ordeal. Next, of course, was the subject of what to eat.

“Nothing too healthy,” I cautioned, “Absolutely zero fiber before my trip to zero gravity.” I had been browsing KidzWorld.com and Ubersite.com, and came across this alarming bit of info:

Frequency Actuated Rectal Tremor
If you could go into space without a suit and you let one rip, your fart would have enough pressure to push you forward.

An Ubersite commenter added:
If (an astronaut) farted in outer space it would blow them halfway across the galaxy…
only if there was a hole in the suit, which would therefore mean they’d have imploded before getting the offending gas out of their arses.

Ugh, that would really stink–in every sense of the word. I’m not sure what the credentials are of Ubersite contributers, but regardless, I am suddenly concerned more about the risk of flatulence than of the safety of the Virgin Galactic. I looked into the stats of the average, normally flatulent adult.

Valley Hospital writes:
The average adult produces one to three pints of intestinal gas a day and passes gas 14 to 23 times a day….gas expands at extreme altitudes.

Ultimately, mom and I settle on steak. Perhaps I’ll work on an astronaut friendly, fiber- free cook book in the meantime.

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